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Drake stared up at me, his ears perked and his head cocked to one side as if to say, “I want to go outside and play too.” I sat down Indian style on the kitchen floor, level with his panting mouth and scratched his ears. “I’m sorry buddy, it’s just too stinking hot outside today” knowing full well he had no idea what I was saying. I found myself talking to my Golden Retriever more often these days. It’s been almost six months that Robert has been gone, but I still can’t get used to living alone. For months after the accident I didn’t touch anything in the house. His coat still hung on the hook next to back door, his toothbrush was still in the drawer by the sink. My mother had told me to pack everything up. She said to take it to the Salvation Army or give it to someone. That was closure, how we dealt with losing someone. I couldn’t do it, not entirely anyway. After about a month I did pack away what was lying around the house. His coat, shoes, the book lying on the bedside table,. Looking back, there were signs early that I was not like other boys. I canrecall taking an action figure and stealing Barbie clothes fromneighboring girls to dress him in. Sadly, about the time when I might havereally been able to start sorting me out, I was exposed to a rapist, andspent two years in Hell.Part of what happened to me was he justified his attacks on me because ofmy feminine side. He made me so afraid of my desire to be female that iburied it until I was approaching puberty. Then the sense of wrongness,the horrible feeling that somehow, I was going in the wrong directionbecame overwhelming. But I kept it hidden as best as I could.Then I became a Christian. This made my conflict even stronger, as I wasinducted into a conservative branch of the faith, and felt sure that myneed for the feminine was a sin. This lead to a cycle of "binging" -getting girl clothes and trying to be as female as I could, followed byguilt and "purging" where I would get rid of everything, only to.
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